As I sit down to express exactly how I feel, to be this incredible child’s mother, I’m at a loss for words. She’s adventurous, joyful, intuitive, strong-willed, kind, and quirky... and without a doubt, the best thing that has ever happened to myself and Cody.
I’m captivated by her little brain, and how she perceives this world that surrounds her. I’m in awe of how she problem-solves, and how quickly she learns. My biggest fear is that I won’t be able to keep up with her. That she’ll be confident and I’ll mistake that for her not needing me. That she’ll have secrets, and I’ll mistake that for her not trusting me. That she’ll become so intelligent, and I’ll feel inferior. I hope she always sees me as someone who cares for her, and wants the best for her. I hope my potential as her mom grows alongside her, and I’m able to adapt and shift as she does. The love I have for this kid is blinding, crushing, and terrifying. I’m completely aware that this is what it feels like, to be a parent. I hope I can keep up. And remember to choose love, patience, and respect. I guess I wasn’t really at a loss for words after all. I just needed to push past the feels, to figure out what I wanted to say. Happy Mother’s Day 💜
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This is me, in 2003, back when I thought Yoga was ALL about the physical practice. I was invited to participate in a Yoga competition, because my physical postures were so 'good'. On the outside, yes, it appeared as though I was 'good' at Yoga. But ask me to meditate? Ask me to sit in stillness for more than a few minutes? Ask me to participate in a slow, methodical Yin Yoga class? No way. At this time of my life, I was very much about how my Yoga looked on the outside. And I won't even begin to tell you what my Yoga looked like in my daily life, off the Yoga mat. I was in my 20s... need I say more?
And that is okay. The physical practice was appealing to me, and that is what initially drew me to Yoga. And for that, I am grateful. A short while later, I followed one of my favorite Yoga teachers to another studio that she taught at. I stepped out of my comfort zone, and tried other styles of Yoga. I was rattled, and I was angry. I was asked to hold back, and not sit in my flexibility. I was asked to 'be' with the discomfort of not PROVING or SHOWING how far I could go. "Yoga isn't a competition, even if you're only competing with yourself." I didn't like that. Why wouldn't I do standing splits, if I knew I COULD do standing splits??? My internal pot was getting stirred up, and it was very uncomfortable. Maxing out our bodies isn't what Yoga is about. Pushing and forcing to the point of exhaustion and/or injury isn't what it's about. Of course there are times when we might want to test our physicality, to see what is possible, but this should never be the norm. As our lovely teacher Brookesays, "Advanced Yoga is not advanced asana, it's advanced awareness." And advanced awareness is so much broader than the scope of our Yoga mat. I was soon discovering that my Yoga practice was shifting to what was going on with me, on the inside. All the thoughts, and feelings I had about my practice, and all the thoughts and feelings I had about myself, my life, and every single interaction I had with another human being. I started to see myself from other people's point of view, and I didn't always like what I saw. This was when I realized that my Yoga practice was just beginning, and I was barely scratching the surface. I was peeling back layers of assumptions, flaws, perceptions, and guilt. Gosh. It wasn't easy, but man it felt good to let it go. What's interesting, is that a few years after that Yoga competition in 2003, I ran into the fellow who got 1st place. I asked him where he was currently practicing, and he said that he quit Yoga altogether, shortly after that competition. He said, "I got bored. I could already do everything." My jaw dropped. Embarrassingly so. If you know me at all, you know that I wear ALL my emotions on my sleeve. I was flabbergasted! And to be truthful, my heart instantly broke for him. "Oh, no!" I said, "That's too bad! Because that is when it really starts to begin!" These days, I can barely get my butt into a class, nevermind standing splits! My challenge is in finding peace with the fact that life isn't all about me. Life doesn't move as swiftly for me as it used to, and for now, having a little one means I don't get to be as productive as I've been in the past. My physical practice is close to nonexistent most weeks, but when I pay attention, I see opportunities to practice Yoga in any given moment. A deep breath. A side stretch. A twist. Another deep breath. A change in perspective. A letting go of judgement. And... another deep breath. Letting go of what I think my Yoga practice SHOULD look like isn't always easy. And sometimes for me, it can be 100 TIMES more difficult than standing splits. ----------------------------------------- Question: What is/are your greatest challenges with your Yoga practice? Please feel free to inspire others and share your story below! This is me, receiving my teacher's certification. 7 years ago I traveled to India to become certified as a Yoga teacher. Forever it will be one of my most memorable experiences. For a month, I lived at an ashram in South India. I was completely immersed in Yogic philosophy, asana (physical practice), meditation, chanting (Bhakti Yoga) and anatomy. Our days began with a bell ringing in the courtyard at 4:30AM. We'd gather in the main hall for an hour of meditation, followed by a 2-hour asana class. Then breakfast, lecture, lunch, and more lecture. We'd spend our late afternoons completing our assigned chores/jobs around the ashram (Karma Yoga) and daily homework. We ate dinner (on the floor, with our hands - traditional Indian style) and during our hour of free time, many of us were studying, memorizing, and practicing how to teach to our fellow students. We'd finish each day with a 2-hour Yoga class and an hour of meditation. Our 'lights out curfew' was 10PM, though most of us were asleep well before that. I remember how terrified I was to teach to the group (there were 70 of us). There was so much to remember, on top of keeping an eye on the clock, getting my rights and lefts in order, moving around the room, keeping my voice audible, and managing to remember all the Sanskrit names for the Yoga poses. This was a very traditional style of Yoga I trained in, and we chanted at the beginning and the end of class... in Sanskrit! SO much to remember. AND we were being critiqued by our peers, so we had THAT to agonize and worry about as well. When I think back to that time, I wouldn't have predicted I'd be running a Yoga studio... in Port Angeles, WA. It's interesting to look back on my life, and see those corners that completely changed my life and took me in new directions. Sometimes the corners were predictable, and welcomed. Sometimes they were sharp, came out of nowhere, slapped me in the face, and made me question EVERYthing. These corners are the scaffolding we build our unique stories upon. I've taught many, many classes since those first days as a teacher, and though I'm not nearly as nervous anymore, I still get butterflies when I teach. I get butterflies because my job is important to me. I take my job seriously. Human beings are willing to show up, and let go, and feel exposed to vulnerability, and I'm proud of the fact that I get to hold the space for them them to do that. I get to share what I love with others, and together, we are transforming the world. Sometimes it doesn't seem like it's enough, and then I remind myself that change can ONLY begin with us. If I've helped raise a few spirits during my day, I'm pleased. If I've helped a person feel good about them self, or helped someone shed the weight of emotional turmoil for an hour... I feel like my day has gone well. These people will leave the studio feeling affected, and they will in turn affect others in powerful ways. This IS enough. This is EVERYTHING. To view more photos of my time in India, the link below will take you to one of my albums.
https://www.facebook.com/media/set/?set=a.10150403633105714.617399.664860713&type=1&l=e13d188d30 Imagine how different our world could be, if everyone decided to be a little more kind, a little less judgmental, and a lot more understanding. What would your interactions with others be like if they were receptive to what you have to say, and accepted you exactly as you are? How wonderful might your relationships be, if everyone you care for acknowledged the things you do, and loved you unconditionally, with a wide-open heart? What if it starts with us? (Because, it does.) Does anyone else feel prickly and closed off when life gets 'hard'? If money is tight, or we're arguing with a spouse, or our kids aren't listening, or our work isn't valued, or our actions have been misunderstood, we get very HUMAN. Maybe we cry, maybe we scream and yell and swear, maybe we slam doors, maybe we run away, maybe we shut down and go inwards. Maybe we get angry and hurt others with our words or actions. It looks different for everyone.... What if we chose to soften when things get hard? What if, instead of knee-jerk reacting, we stayed with the discomfort, and took a breath? What might THAT look like. It's scary, hey? Vulnerable, absolutely. Why... why would we DO this? Why would we put ourselves through this, when perhaps it isn't even OUR FAULT? Because, if we truly want to see a shift in our lives, it starts with us. And if we can imagine our interactions with others to be graceful and easy and lovely... it starts with us. So, where do we start? I know this really great remedy. It's called Yoga. What an incredible teacher, this Yoga, because it can bring to light all of the parts of us that we wish to see in others, and vice versa. Yoga can rekindle flames we thought were extinguished, and it can remind us that we really ARE okay, and in fact, we are MORE than okay. And isn't that wonderful? These gentle reminders are often all the nudge we need before we're soon looking at life from a new vantage point. But, it's doesn't work unless we actually put it into action. Just as we know, if we eat lots of junk food we're likely to put on weight, if we spend all our money, we'll be broke... if we don't give ourselves the gift of space, and breath, and mindful movement... our lives aren't going to flow as smoothly. Which brings me back to my first thought.... Imagine how different our world could be, if everyone decided to be a little more kind, a little less judgmental, and a lot more understanding. It starts with us. You have a bottomless bank of kindness. And you can spend as much as you like.
Let's challenge ourselves to drain the bank, every day. In fact, let's say that we MUST drain it. And by tomorrow it will be completely replenished! Kindness doesn't cost a thing, and it can be the most valuable thing you give, all day. Have fun!! XXX I know that when my husband's voice gets soft and gentle, that he is going to ask something of me, and he doesn't want me to say no. "Baby, can you please do something for me…" Oh great. Please, add something more to my plate, because I'm not overcome with emotion and lists and tasks already. "Can you please go sit in the spare room, for 10 minutes? I've left it set up for you."
It's humbling, and downright embarrassing, to get caught in the act of not practicing what I preach. I know, absolutely, the great benefits of meditation. I know how calm and balanced I am after I've meditated. I know how good it feels to set aside some time for myself, with no distractions. Have I been doing it lately? No. Can I remember the last time I did this for myself? No. "Take your shoes off. Sit here, put the headphones in, and set the timer." My husband has created a daily ritual for himself. Even though I'm the one who teaches this on a regular basis, he is the one who's actually been benefitting from a personal practice. Instant relief, before I've even closed my eyes. Gratitude, at being offered these quiet minutes, rather than having to ask for them. Pride, that my husband 'gets it' and sees that I need it. I upped the anti, and took 15 minutes instead. What did I notice? *I'm constantly in a state of problem solving. Churning, listing, stacking, sorting, managing, cross-referencing, debating, planning. I know I do it, and it's exhausting. In the act of observing it, it's even more exhausting. I come back to my breath, over and over. *I notice that my posture gradually shifts forward, more and more over time. Leaning toward the future. I catch myself, and immediately shift back to my sit bones, and feel grounded, steady, and present. *As soon as I've had a few minutes of time to myself, I'm feeling the need to give, to offer, to share. I'm thinking of ways I can reach my community, my students, my family. I catch myself, and take a deep breath. Grounded again. 15 minutes was over before I knew it. My busy brain kept me in a constant state of checking in. I could have gone longer, which is a good way to leave it. I'm craving more, and there's a good chance I'll feel inclined to make time for it again, most likely tomorrow. This is my gentle nudge to you. Take 5, 10, 15, 20... heck... 30 minutes, if you can. Remove all distractions (or as many as you can), sit comfortably, and close your eyes. Follow your breath, and watch your thoughts as they come and go. When you follow one particular thought for longer than a moment, return to following your breath. There are plenty of apps out there too, if you want music, guided meditation, or a timer. The word 'meditation' might not jive for you. Then call it observation. Call it contemplation. Call it sitting-with-my-eyes-closed-and-watching-my-thoughts. Whatever. You are worth it, and you deserve it. I hope you take some time for yourself, and not wait until you're at your wits end. But even if you do, it still won't be too late. Onwards, fellow Humans. ❤️ It's been weeks since I've been able to write anything here. Though, it's not surprising, since my main complaint these days is that there is so much to do and I can't manage to get anything done. I've mentioned this before. The hardest part about parenting, for me, has been my resistance to accept the fact that I am not nearly as efficient as a used to be.
I'm not even close to accepting this fact. -- INSERT BREAK TO FEED + NAP BABY -- Okay... you guys. I began this post in 'Whine and Whinge' mode. I was going to tell you how hard my life is right now. I was going to tell you that I'm frustrated and angry and annoyed. I was going to point out how quickly I was pulled away from writing this post before I'd barely even started. I was going to confide in you and tell you how much I'm struggling. And I was hoping, through the act of writing it all down, I'd coax myself off that ledge, and reassure myself that this won't last forever. But what I needed was for my world to stop spinning. I needed to hold my baby and sway with her and sing her to sleep. This pause reminded me how much I truly love this stage of my life. Life is drastically different from what it was before. On both ends of the spectrum. And in order for me to experience this wholeheartedly, I've got to find the courage it takes to completely surrender to it. I need to be okay with feeling unreliable, and flustered, and frustrated at times, because THIS is what my life looks like right now. "Welcome to parenthood", says the obnoxious Peanut Gallery. Eye roll. Well, you're witnessing me coming to terms with the fact that parenting really is the most challenging and the most rewarding job I'll ever have. I'm laying here with a sick baby napping on my chest. She's extra clingy and won't sleep well unless she's being held. This is what it took to pull me from my "I have so much to do and not enough time to do it, blah, blah, blah" rant. At this exact moment, there is nowhere else I'd rather be. It's not about me. My baby needs me. All else can fall to the wayside. Until the next time I've had to leave a task incomplete/not done at all. And I'll get all stressed out again. And I'll cry and whine and yell. My poor husband. Maybe next time I'll know to hold my baby a whole lot sooner. February 8, one year ago, was the last day before everything changed. Four days overdue, I waited… not so patiently… and I wouldn't know it until the next morning, but my baby was arriving.
These past few days have been unexpectedly emotional for me, as I reflect on who I was, what I was thinking, and what I was worried about, exactly one year ago. "How will labour and delivery go? Who are we about to meet? Will I eventually get bored of this child? Am I going to be a good parent? Do I still WANT to do this?" I was very excited, and so very nervous and scared at the same time. My water broke at 8AM, contractions started at 8:30, and after a 'tough day at the office', Waylen Olivia was born at 6:10PM. It's true when people say you forget how painful childbirth is. In fact, there are so many details that I don't remember. But I do remember the overwhelming feeling of love, the moment I held her in my arms. It's strange that she feels more a part of me now, than she did when I was pregnant with her. When I'm with her, I lose my breath, my heartbeat is rapid, I'm teary. And the second I'm away from her, I feel this extreme sense of loss. If we are not in the same room, if I am not touching her, I miss her. The love I feel for her is a love I've never felt before. She's a delicious drug that I can't get enough of. It's terrifying and extremely satisfying. I know, I sound crazy... and obsessed. If I was reading this exactly a year ago, the day before she was born, I'd be doubting every word. I still can't believe she's real. She's healthy, and sweet, and smart. And I'm so incredibly proud of myself and the goals I've managed to fulfill so far as a parent. None of it would have been possible without my wonderfully supportive husband, and his amazing mom. These two, along with our families and friends, have shown me that it really does take a village. We've navigated breastfeeding at least to a year (and still going!), cloth diapering, child-led weaning, and co-sleeping. We've tackled immunizations, car seats, pack n' plays, bath time, sleepless nights, coughs/colds, and teething. We've learned that road trips will never be the same now that we have a little one, and that eventually you forget the horrifying catastrophes that are diaper explosions! No one could have prepared me for what it feels like to be a parent. I'm so thankful that I have the opportunity to experience it for myself. My life has completely changed… I am completely changed. Sometimes I miss the person who I used to be, but I would never, ever trade who I am now for that person I was, exactly a year ago, on February 8. I've been going through a few of my old blogs. I thought it might be fun to share some posts that I wrote... and now... I'm reconsidering! Holy moly. It's strange to read what I've written, being in a completely different place now, than I was then. I remember the anguish, the heart ache. The desire to be somewhere else. The waiting, the hoping, the longing. The sadness.
I only wrote when I was upset, which is kind of a bummer, because life wasn't all bad. In fact, it wasn't bad at all. I was just dramatic. And I didn't like being alone. I'll give you an example... This was from one of my first blog sites, circa 2008. I quote: "it's interesting how sadness attracts one cliche after another.... 'love yourself before you can love others'.... 'this too shall pass'...... 'character is what you have when you've lost all there is to lose'...... yeah, yeah...... something tells me people who are NOT alone make these statements up. and these are the same people you want to slap when all you feel like doing is moping around in your own comfortably depressing pyjamas of misery and crying til your eyes sting. i'm in a place where i've gone through enough ups & downs and have had the comfort and support of friends & family to the point where everyone now thinks i should be over it. i've drained most outlets and somehow feel embarrassed to utter anything personal. i've reached the expiration date of public acceptance for sadness. now i'm talking to cyberspace." Notice how 'cool' I was with all the lower case letters too? No capitals for me. Oh brother. I'm curious though... I wonder who I'd be if I weren't in a happy place now. I'm married (hence, not alone) and I have a new baby. I feel a sense of completeness that I've never felt before. But... if this wasn't how my life looked right now... would I STILL be wallowing in self-absorbed misery? Maybe? All I can say is that I'm VERY happy, VERY content, VERY much at ease. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. Perhaps all that agony was my due diligence to get me to where I am today? And maybe I've matured a little? I'd like to think that I've grown up. However, if/when challenge comes knocking at my door... I can't promise that I won't find myself 'moping around in [my] own comfortably depressing pyjamas of misery and [cry] til [my] eyes sting.' Let's face it. I'm probably still exactly who I used to be. And I don't foresee sharing any more tidbits of my old posts. But who knows.... the poetry is good for a laugh!! "It's not what you get that makes you happy. It's who you become." That's what Tony Robbins said today, in this motivational video. He begins by talking about resolutions, and the difference between people who don't bother to make them any more, largely to avoid disappointment VS the people who feel inspired to look at their life's desires and actually manage to follow through with what they say they're going to do. He talks about progress, rather than change. He says change is inevitable. It happens whether we want it or not. We don't have to do anything in order to see things change. But the word 'progress' has power behind it. It's alive. He talks about the difference between simply crossing your fingers and hoping for the best VS clearly visualizing what you want and creating rituals (daily/weekly/monthly/yearly actions) that put your desires into motion.
Want to play? Look at an area of your life where you'd like to see progress: 1) Be honest. What is life like right now, as is, without changing anything? 2) What are the rituals you've created that are keeping you where you are? What do you do to continue living life in this way? 3) What do you want? What is your vision? Be specific. Describe it in depth. 4) What are the rituals you can put into motion to get there? What are things you could do differently, and CONSISTENTLY to see progress? "Willpower doesn't last. Rituals can last a life time." New Year. New life. It doesn't have to start Jan 1st. Start now. What do you want? What are you going to do to get it? (You can start by watching this video!) Raise your standards, and take your life to another level. I dare you! 😉 Our first road trip with a baby made a 5 hour journey closer to 9! Holy cow. We arrive at our hotel to learn that the pool we've been anxiously awaiting is being resurfaced this weekend. Great! Things got even better when the power went out. 9PM, tired and hungry, we've been sitting in the dark for over an hour, with tiny glow sticks from the front desk (thanks!) and the door propped open so we have some light from the emergency bulbs in the hall, deciding our game plan.
Now, in another town 15 minutes away, at another (brand new and and much nicer!!!) hotel, with a salt water pool (and spa!!!) we're devouring chicken sandwiches and white wine in paper cups, on a soft new bed with fluffy white pillows from heaven, and I'm thinking how lucky I am to have such a wonderful husband who got us here safely, unloaded and reloaded the car twice and is still managing to smile as he heads off to dive in the pool before it closes. And baby girl is sound asleep. Things could be much worse. I'm not superstitious, but Happy Friday the 13th anyways!! |
Who am i?I'm a busy gal with lots of things on the go. I'm a new mom, I'm a business owner, I'm a Canadian living in the Pacific NorthWest. I'm a wife, I'm a creative, free-thinking, wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve Yogini who likes to write about whatever's on my mind. I carve my own path, and strive to live my life without permission or validation from others. I'm moved to tears when I get to witness those bold enough to step out of their comfort zones, and I'll passionately stand for anyone willing to be own their unique, authentic, genuine, vibrant self. Archives
September 2017
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