I've been going through a few of my old blogs. I thought it might be fun to share some posts that I wrote... and now... I'm reconsidering! Holy moly. It's strange to read what I've written, being in a completely different place now, than I was then. I remember the anguish, the heart ache. The desire to be somewhere else. The waiting, the hoping, the longing. The sadness.
I only wrote when I was upset, which is kind of a bummer, because life wasn't all bad. In fact, it wasn't bad at all. I was just dramatic. And I didn't like being alone. I'll give you an example... This was from one of my first blog sites, circa 2008. I quote: "it's interesting how sadness attracts one cliche after another.... 'love yourself before you can love others'.... 'this too shall pass'...... 'character is what you have when you've lost all there is to lose'...... yeah, yeah...... something tells me people who are NOT alone make these statements up. and these are the same people you want to slap when all you feel like doing is moping around in your own comfortably depressing pyjamas of misery and crying til your eyes sting. i'm in a place where i've gone through enough ups & downs and have had the comfort and support of friends & family to the point where everyone now thinks i should be over it. i've drained most outlets and somehow feel embarrassed to utter anything personal. i've reached the expiration date of public acceptance for sadness. now i'm talking to cyberspace." Notice how 'cool' I was with all the lower case letters too? No capitals for me. Oh brother. I'm curious though... I wonder who I'd be if I weren't in a happy place now. I'm married (hence, not alone) and I have a new baby. I feel a sense of completeness that I've never felt before. But... if this wasn't how my life looked right now... would I STILL be wallowing in self-absorbed misery? Maybe? All I can say is that I'm VERY happy, VERY content, VERY much at ease. And I wouldn't trade it for anything. Perhaps all that agony was my due diligence to get me to where I am today? And maybe I've matured a little? I'd like to think that I've grown up. However, if/when challenge comes knocking at my door... I can't promise that I won't find myself 'moping around in [my] own comfortably depressing pyjamas of misery and [cry] til [my] eyes sting.' Let's face it. I'm probably still exactly who I used to be. And I don't foresee sharing any more tidbits of my old posts. But who knows.... the poetry is good for a laugh!!
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"It's not what you get that makes you happy. It's who you become." That's what Tony Robbins said today, in this motivational video. He begins by talking about resolutions, and the difference between people who don't bother to make them any more, largely to avoid disappointment VS the people who feel inspired to look at their life's desires and actually manage to follow through with what they say they're going to do. He talks about progress, rather than change. He says change is inevitable. It happens whether we want it or not. We don't have to do anything in order to see things change. But the word 'progress' has power behind it. It's alive. He talks about the difference between simply crossing your fingers and hoping for the best VS clearly visualizing what you want and creating rituals (daily/weekly/monthly/yearly actions) that put your desires into motion.
Want to play? Look at an area of your life where you'd like to see progress: 1) Be honest. What is life like right now, as is, without changing anything? 2) What are the rituals you've created that are keeping you where you are? What do you do to continue living life in this way? 3) What do you want? What is your vision? Be specific. Describe it in depth. 4) What are the rituals you can put into motion to get there? What are things you could do differently, and CONSISTENTLY to see progress? "Willpower doesn't last. Rituals can last a life time." New Year. New life. It doesn't have to start Jan 1st. Start now. What do you want? What are you going to do to get it? (You can start by watching this video!) Raise your standards, and take your life to another level. I dare you! 😉 Our first road trip with a baby made a 5 hour journey closer to 9! Holy cow. We arrive at our hotel to learn that the pool we've been anxiously awaiting is being resurfaced this weekend. Great! Things got even better when the power went out. 9PM, tired and hungry, we've been sitting in the dark for over an hour, with tiny glow sticks from the front desk (thanks!) and the door propped open so we have some light from the emergency bulbs in the hall, deciding our game plan.
Now, in another town 15 minutes away, at another (brand new and and much nicer!!!) hotel, with a salt water pool (and spa!!!) we're devouring chicken sandwiches and white wine in paper cups, on a soft new bed with fluffy white pillows from heaven, and I'm thinking how lucky I am to have such a wonderful husband who got us here safely, unloaded and reloaded the car twice and is still managing to smile as he heads off to dive in the pool before it closes. And baby girl is sound asleep. Things could be much worse. I'm not superstitious, but Happy Friday the 13th anyways!! You know those times when you have a tug-of-war between your logical self and your emotional self? In this particular instance, my logical side was trying to tell myself not to take something to heart. And my emotional side so badly wanted to take it to heart. I don't really have to go into details; the details don't matter... however, recently I learned that someone had developed the wrong idea of me, even though my intentions are good. There's that saying, "walk a mile in someone else's shoes" but honestly, when can we ever do that? I understand… this person is not in my shoes. This person does not have to make the same decisions I need to make. This person doesn't have to understand why I do what I do. Which is why I know (logically) that this misunderstanding shouldn't bother me. Still, when your feelings are hurt, your feelings are hurt, and the emotional side of me desperately wanted to clear things up.
I found myself asking this question... 'When is it Emotion, and when is it Ego??' Or, are they one in the same? Usually the first thing I do when I have a query is ask Google, and wouldn't you know it... I came across this article. According to the wonderfully wise Mr Eckhart Tolle, "the Ego is not only the unobserved mind, the voice in the head which pretends to be you, but also the unobserved emotions that are the body’s reaction to what the voice in the head is saying." 1) something happened, 2) I created a story about it, and 3) it caused an emotional reaction within me. Ego is the voice that tells me the story, and anytime this happens, I have some choices; I can observe it, I can act on it, I can observe it and act on it, I can act on it without observing it, and I can simply remain unaware, observe nothing and do nothing. If you give the article a read (don't worry, it's a short one) he explains how each of us reponds to the voice of the Ego differently. Our past experiences create filters through which we observe the world. So, basically, it boils down to this: What others think of me says more about who they are, than who I am. I love this rationale, and I've kept it in my back pocket for a long time. I know it, I get it. Still, sometimes Emotion wins (or Ego... or whatever...) and sometimes we have to take a moment to feel it, and choose whether or not we act on it. If we do choose to act on it, we have the responsibility to decide how we will act. I believe this is where a delicate aspect of humanity starts to fall into place -- the awareness of how our actions impact other people. I'll be honest, for most of my life, I've reacted on impulse (on both ends of the spectrum) and it took me a long time to understand that I have a choice. And my choice will affect others. So, you're probably wondering what happened next? Well, I thought on it a few days. I let my feelings process, and I took some time to decipher what was story and what was truth. And I decided to explain myself in an email, where I could take the time to carefully say what I wanted to say. What I'm proud of is that I didn't react immediately. I took some time to let go of the anger/frustration/sadness, and came from a place of sincerity and friendship. By providing more information, I hope that I was able to clear up the misunderstanding. What's interesting is that now I'm wondering how my email will be interpreted!! OMG!! Didn't I just say that what others think about me has more to do with them, than it does about me??? So, it's time to let it go. It's time to seal up this post, put this one little incident behind me, and move forward. I'm not one to dwell on things, and frankly, I don't have time!! Sometimes my intentions are going be misunderstood. I stand for things, I live my life with integrity and love, and I'm changing the world like only I can. That's all anyone can do... right? (Ha, you like how I ended this piece by looking for validation??) I'm not entirely sure the direction of this blog, but you can be certain it'll be a schmozz of many different topics. Yoga, my baby girl, my experiences as a parent/wife, random thoughts or quibbles I have throughout any given day, things that inspire me, and things that I hope might inspire others. For the bulk of my adult years, I've been a very go-go kind of person. Never sitting still, rarely home, never doing nothing... buzz, buzz, buzzzzzz!! And since becoming a parent, I've turned into somewhat of a hermit. It's tough enough sometimes, just to get through a day of breakfast, nap, lunch, playtime, nap, dinner, bath, bed time (with a few diaper changes, breastfeeding and running errands in the mix). And then there's this thing I call my job... so, add payroll, updating websites, promoting events, writing newsletters, returning phone calls, keeping the business current on social media, and teaching my weekly classes. I'm lucky to have a husband who helps with the baby and does most of the cooking, and still... I don't know where the extra hours would come from to create any sort of bubble for myself. So very often, I don't. Being a hermit has relieved me of the added pressure of trying to maintain yet another aspect of my life, and to be honest, low-key living seems to suit me so much more than my busy, younger self would have thought. I enjoy it a lot. My baby girl is almost a year old, and I've had the oportunity to watch her life and mine change so much. Nothing is constant, everything changes, and if I hadn't let myself slow down, I'd be missing all these little details that are my LIFE... right now. Life itself, really IS a full time job. Choosing to hunker down at home has caused me to lose a large sense of community, friendship, and comradarie. I run a Yoga studio, and I'm surrounded by like-minded people all day, but I'm realizing that I must MAKE TIME for things I want to do. We only get 24 hours each day, and unless I plan for community, I won't have it. This brings me to the reason I've created this particular blog. Yesterday I had the privilege of participating in an inspiring brainstorming session with friends/fellow Yoginis and we agreed that vulnerability brings us all closer. When we share an element of ourselves, others can see themselves refelcted back, and that is comforting, nurturing, and contributes to our overall health and well-being!! Our goal is to (more often) share a part of ourselves, in hopes of establishing a bond with people we interact with in our everyday lives. We want to be participants, not just by-standers, and posting to a blog is just one way to expose ourselves and get 'out there'. I don't know how cosistently I can commit to writing here, and I'm laughing right now, at the thought of adding something else to my already very full plate. But I really do like to write, and I'm happy to provide for myself, a place I can come to when I'm able and when my heart needs to... and I'll do my best to MAKE time. If not for anyone else, but for me. |
Who am i?I'm a busy gal with lots of things on the go. I'm a new mom, I'm a business owner, I'm a Canadian living in the Pacific NorthWest. I'm a wife, I'm a creative, free-thinking, wear-my-heart-on-my-sleeve Yogini who likes to write about whatever's on my mind. I carve my own path, and strive to live my life without permission or validation from others. I'm moved to tears when I get to witness those bold enough to step out of their comfort zones, and I'll passionately stand for anyone willing to be own their unique, authentic, genuine, vibrant self. Archives
September 2017
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